Why Facebook is the GREATEST Invention since Mountain Dew

by PaleGurl on wordpress.

Facebook is quickly becoming popular amongst all age groups. Even the elderly are getting in on the fun. Facebook had previously been utilized by only the most computer literate and internet savvy of people (aka the young). However, today, individuals who only three years prior would have rather thrown their computer out the window than learn how to turn it on,  are blowing up the Book.

A brief history of Facebook:

The  first to settle into the social networking world were young people in their teens and early twenties. Immediately, they made Facebook their virtual drug of choice. They used it as a way to stay constantly connected to friends, enemies and all those in between. No longer did they have to wonder how Morgan, the captain of the high school soccer team was spending her freshman year in college. All a person had to do was search Morgan’s name and WALA, her profile would appear. A friend request could then be sent and if she approved, a person would be privy to Morgan’s new alcoholic life and be witness to the freshman 50 she put on in less than 2 months. Facebook also quickly became the best way to find ex-boyfriends/girlfriends and  see if he/she had a new fatter or crazier significant other. Maybe then you’d find that he or she was still pining after you after all these years via the status update… “(Name) misses his ex. Oh Joleen, you still complete me. Why must I be so inferior to your beauty and brains. Woe is me…”  Overall, Facebook quickily became the ultimate way to reconnect with people you’d rather forget about and cyber-stalk those who you just can’t shake from your head.

So here are only SOME of the reasons why Facebook is the GREATEST invention since Mountain Dew:

 Facebook  offers its users a chance to create a new or improved identity. If you are a 15-year-old girl who is desperately counting down the years until your 18^th birthday, you can bypass Mother Nature with the click of your mouse. You can be any age you want to be on Facebook. Older men are notorious for lying about their ages. However, they fail to realize that if  they post pics of their 31-year-old daughter, women are usually smart enough to figure out that these men are not 39  years old.

If you are overweight, you can just post pictures of skinny people and tag them as yourself. Or you can post pics from a thinner time in your life (for example - infancy) and claim that they are current pictures of you. And of course there is always the  magic of Photoshop. This helps to revise pics of yourself for all to see and envy. Whiten those teeth, cut off half those thunder thighs, erase that double chin and add implants to that chest.  Personally, I am a fan of this option, but I try not to use it excessively. I’ve only Photoshopped 997 of my 1,005 pics; however, don’t go searching for those UN-Photoshopped pics of me because they are set to private.

If you were embarrassed to have dropped out of college or high school, no worries, simply pick a college and a year of graduation and no one is the wiser. However, keep your school of choice within reason. Listing yourself as Summa Cum Laude from Collumbyah may reveal your lie.

•  Facebook allows you to be creative with your job title.

1. Unemployed? I prefer Entrepreneur.
2. Stripper? I prefer Professional Lap Warmer.
3. Trash Collector? I prefer Antique Dealer.
4. Crystal Meth Dealer? I prefer Pharmacology Student.
5. Porn Star? i prefer Sex Therapist.
6. Dishwasher? I prefer make-up artist in Hollywood.
7. Secretary? I prefer Assistant Regional Manager.       

Facebook is also great if you don’t have a lot of friends in real life because you can make up for it with virtual friendships. All you have to do is send out nonstop friend requests to acquaintances and strangers alike to create an allusion of  popularity and love. However, show some discretion – 2,345 friends is creepy and makes you seem like that guy who only goes out on Friday and Saturday nights so that he can tell people, “FACEBOOK ME!”

• Facebook saves lives and offers a reason to live. How many times have we all heard people on the edge who are about to end it all and then realize, “OMG! I forgot to harvest my farm on Farmville! I guess I got to live. LOL!”
• Facebook allows you a forum to brag about yourself via the infamous FaceBRAG. Despite it’s obvious douchiness, it’s far better to brag on Facebook than real life because you can’t see everyone’s eyes rolling. Common things to FaceBRAG about:

1. “Look at my dog. Isn’t he the cutest thing since Siamese babies.”
2. “Look at me, I only eat lettuce and visit the gym 7 times a day. I’m so much better than you.”
3. “Look at me, I only eat organic and volunteer feeding the elderly apple sauce.”
4. “Look at me, I’ve never been to jail.”
5. “Look at me, all my hair is real.”
6. “Look at me, I think I’m funny and write a blog. Watch my videos and pay attention to me.” - ultimate douche!
7. “Look at me, my car costs more than your life.”
8. “Look at me, I have a spouse/significant other who doesn’t cheat on me!”

So thank you Facebook for enriching our lives and giving us a reason to get up each morning.

Facebook reasons for why this picture exists:

1. Cuz she likes to DRANK and wants the world to know it.
2. Cuz it would make a good profile pic. Duh!
3. Cuz her boyfriend FaceCHEATED and she needed to forget it all.
4. Cuz her friends secretly hate her.
5. Cuz she dates a guy who drives a crotch rocket and updates his status 22 times a day.
6. Cuz she wants to scare her Grandma off Facebook.

At The Ballet - a not so promising tale of my dancing life

Let us start at the beginning. I started taking ballet when I was 7 years old. My first studio that I went to said you had to be 8 to start "professional dance." So, (like any sane mother would do) my mother lied at said I was 8 years old. My actions proofed otherwise, though. I walked in to my first dance lesson, and the first thing I saw was a man with a wooden stick, about the size of a golf club. I immediately got scared, but he greeted me kindly, seeing that my sister was one of his favorites. I joined the bar beside the other scared little girls (and one boy!) but I quickly realized that all of the people in the room were older than me. That got me even more scared, but I determined that I would look even better than the older ones. The lesson was going fairly well, when I realized: I had to pee. REALLY bad. Looking back, my reasoning for waiting till I wet myself was fairly stupid. I simply thought that was the stick was for hitting people that went to the bathroom. Such an idiotic statement, but when I was 7, it seemed perfectly rational. We were doing grand bat mas (where you kick your leg high) and just as one of my legs was being kicked, I could not hold it any longer. It spattered the floor, and when Fip (yes, that was his name, the studio was owned by 2 gay brothers, Fip & Chip) saw the pee oozing down my brand new tights, he said with horror, "GO TO THE BATHROOM, EMMA!" So I was about to run when I heard gasps from behind me and turned around to see the girl next to me peeing also. Fip was going crazy. The pianist did not seem to know what had just happened, and was still playing.

After that lesson, my mother felt the need to say I was actually 7. Fip said I could still take class, because (minus the peeing) I was an excellent dancer.

A year later, when I was supposed to move to level 2, I was informed that I had to stay in level 1. So much for that excellent dancing I pulled out at the peeing incident. The only other people who weren't moving up was the kid who had ADHD and the fat girl. I felt depressed. Fip informed the incoming 8 year olds that year that we were "Old Birds" and we "knew what we were doing." If were good why do we had to stay here?

A few years later, having been in the Nutcracker as a buffoon and gone up 2 levels, Fip & Chip decided to leave the studio to help there "dying mother." I seriously doubted she existed, but nonetheless, they left. And the studio went really crappy. So we left too.

Studio No. 2 I joined in March 2008. It was quite a bit smaller, and it looked very professional. It was Russian ballet, and the head of the studio boasted to have been with the Joffrey Ballet (which probably explained her snotty attitude.). It looked promising, despite the 500 - pound woman at the desk who told me to pay and extra $15 for a "boot camp class" that she was apparently attending too. I pleaded with my mom to let me see here to some sit- ups, but I was denied.


Even at the beginning, I was an outcast. I was just a little bit fatter than all the rest of the girls, and because I didn't wear an Ed Hardy sweater. But I also wasn't that fantastic. In my first class, I was informed that all my teaching beforehand was "horrible" and that I needed to come to more classes.  Great way to start, right?


I picked up a jazz class, and tried to make friends, but again failed. I dreaded going to classes, and after they upped the prices even more, and in order to be in they're show you had to pay $75 per costume, we left.


Studio No. 3  is completely different. First of all, its much bigger, and the owners are family friends. hey have fabulous teachers, like my ballet teacher Jackie. She is really intense and Canadian and I am really scared of her but in a good way, I guess. She is really awesome and sometimes she's kinda cruel, but.......no, there's no but. She's just cruel sometimes.


My class is fairly huge, and like always, I am not really accepted. Failed, again. But there are these two I like to think of as my friends. One's new with glasses, and the other one is kind of an outcast of this studios version of the Ed Hardy girls. We never talk, but I know they both know that were best friends. Today, we were doing splits on the wall, and the girl with the glasses said, "Oh my god, this hurts!" to me! Progress! 


So, there it is. Not the greatest, but not the worst. And I can do the splits to prove it.